Some thoughts about cost...

"'...it's what goes on in the world that reconciles me.'" --Alexandra, in Cather's O Pioneers!

And there it is. Nerve central. The twist. The implications of Alexandra's sense of belonging and her will to stay put and rely on the natural swing of things, and believing that, as her instincts tell her, the outcome is benevolent. No matter how strong the sense of belonging, there are always forces within seeking to destabilize. It is the nature of our psyches, I suppose. But it's not just a reliance on fate, or natural cycles, or the inevitable ebbs and flows. There is a necessity to open up, look, listen to all aspects of the external world in order to unify, make compatible again, all aspects of self. A professor of note recently asked a provocative question in relation to negotiating all kinds of tight spaces in order to achieve some semblance of identity: What will it cost you to be you? It certainly costs Alexandra, partly blanketing her Eden with violence, misunderstanding, and blood. The loss of her brother, a soul mate, a sibling-son, does force her to enter the outer world on her own, instead of relying on his tales, his narratives. She can now create her own and see for herself. Her recognition of the world has always been there, but now it's her lens through which she filters it, not Emil's, even though he will remain part of her frame of reference; I still think the reconciliations should be even more fulfilling.

What will it cost you to be you? You can't always name your price and you may know it's expensive, but it is inevitable; however, being aware of the cost can put you in control. Being mindful can be reconciling and this is where I'm at. Perhaps it was the feeling of reconciliation that made me feel I was falling into Homer's painting, or Tanner's painting. Something about both, as different as they were, made me feel at home.